9. Cam vs. Work Expectations
/Cam has gotten what he’s always wanted: Internet fame! Of course, that glow is short-lived as his short-tempered boss gives him way too much responsibility. Gillian is furious at him for using their lives as content, and Lydia won’t talk to him because he may or may not have been flirting with her while he was drunk the night before.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Anya Krawcheck (she/her/hers) as Lydia
Trevor Anthony (he/him/his) as Harrison
Mélisa Brenier-Sanders (she/her/hers) as Gillian
Kathryn Milewski (she/her/hers) as Ashley
Jordan Cobb (she/her/hers) as Deena
Samantha Cooper (she/her/hers) as Service Person
Brian David Gilbert (he/him/his) as Alarm Clock
Kristen DiMercurio (she/her/hers) as Toothbrush
Brian David Gilbert (he/him/his), Kristen DiMercurio (she/her/hers), and Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs (she/her/hers) as Shirts
Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs (she/her/hers) as Ibuprofen
Jordan Cobb (she/her/hers) as Subway Stranger #1
Zach Libresco (he/him/his) as Subway Stranger #2
Kristen DiMercurio (she/her/hers) as Subway Stranger #3
Kristen DiMercurio, Zach Libresco, Jessica Washington, Josh Rubino, Zach Valenti, and Jordan Cobb as Commuters
Eric Silver (he/him/his) as Stranger on the Street
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[The NEXT STOP theme plays. Fade into Cam’s room. Cam is sleeping peacefully in bed when his alarm wakes him up. He yawns, smiles and sings a few notes like a Disney princess greeting the morning.]
Cam: I’m Internet famous!
[And the music comes in - think “You’re Making My Dreams” in 500 Days of Summer levels of energy. Cam then begins addressing all of the inanimate objects around the room.]
Cam: Good morning, Alarm Clock!
Alarm Clock: Good morning, Cam! You’re so famous, I can’t believe we’re friends!
Cam: How could I forget you?
[Whoosh! Cam goes to his bathroom.]
Cam: Good morning, toothbrush!
Toothbrush: Wow! Me inside Cam Chabon’s mouth! How exciting!
Cam: It’s nothing really, I have the same cavities I did before.
[Whoosh! Cam opens up his closet.]
Cam: Hm, who should I wear today?
Shirts: OH! OH! PICK ME! PICK ME! ME! ME! ME! I WANT TO BE ON YOUR BOD!
Cam: Staaaahp! Flatterers.
[Whoosh! Walking out of his room, he runs into Ally.]
Cam: Ally! My best and longest friend, how are you?
Ally: Tired.
[Ally takes a sip of orange juice.]
Ally: Drinking OJ straight from the carton. You’re too happy. Aren’t you hungover?
Cam: Very!
Ally: Okay, well. Here, take some ibuprofen.
[Ally tosses it to him, making the pills rattle.]
Ibuprofen: I’ll heal you buddy! Just push and twist!
Ally: Have you talked to Samuel yet?
Cam: Nope, because I lied to his face and I feel bad! Late for work!
[Whoosh as we cut to Cam on the train.]
Stranger #1: Woah, are you the guy from the Internet?
Cam: I am!
Stranger #2: You’re hilarious, you should write a book! Or a TV show!
Cam: I should, I want to!
Stranger #3: What does it, like, feel like?
Cam: Well you know, it feels a little something like this.
[Cam does a tap number here, as he (in tap shoes) and the music are in chorus with one another. People get up to tip Cam and he delightfully shouts, “Showtime!” as he does it. Finally, we get to his stop and everyone claps.]
Cam: Welp, gotta go to work! See you later, new friends!
Passengers: Bye, Cam! Don’t let it go to your head!
Cam: Ha ha! I won’t!
[Whoosh. The elevator dings as Cam strides into work. His co-workers chant his name as he walks to his desk and sits down. Lydia runs up to him.]
Lydia: Cam! I thought about it last night and your article was great. And I appreciate that you said my face was pretty. I tried to text you back, but you didn’t get any of them. It must’ve been my fault and I didn’t worry at all and that moment was preserved perfectly.
Cam: Oh, wonderful. Because I was thinking I could-
Harrison: CAM. CONFERENCE ROOM 502. TEN MINUTES.
[The revery is broken. Harrison, Cam’s boss, hisses at him. The music fades away and is replaced by the sound of the office]
Cam: Wh-what?
Harrison: I said ten minutes. 502. You better have a good reason for this.
Cam: But... I...
Lydia: Cam... what were you thinking?
Cam: ...it crushed. It’s everywhere.
Lydia: Hope it was worth it. And hey, why didn’t you text me back?
Cam: I... uh... I dropped my phone into a beer. Um... I gotta go... to the bathroom... before... my meeting where... I could lose my job... I’ll see you later.
[Musical stinger. We’re in the apartment, Ally is messing around on her computer. She is typing throughout.]
Ally: What email did I sign up for on LinkedIn? It’s not my personal, okay... College? That fake email address I made just for spam? The first job email I had at that copy place which didn’t pay my last two weeks? Nope! Oh wait, it’s schmallymcschallyson@gmail.com. Ha! Got it.
[Text message chime.]
Deena (texting): Hey, Ally! Long time, no talk. Smiley face emoji, cocktail glass emoji.
Ally (texting): Oh heeeeey, Deena. How’s it going? It’s been a long time, like five years. Are you still living on the commune in the cornfield?
Deena (texting): Yeah, yeah, still in Days of the Maize, it’s really good. We have a solar powered hot tub now. I get there whenever I can lol smiley devil emoji, smiley devil emoji, smiley devil emoji.
Ally (texting): Yeah, I bet.
Deena (texting): Do you still live with Cam Chabon?
Ally (texting): Sure do. Why?
Deena (texting): He is freakin hilarious. Link to AverageBear article, crying laughing emoji, bear emoji.
Ally (texting): Lol yeah. Dot dot dot.
Deena (texting): What’s he like?
Ally (texting): In person, question mark?
Deena (texting): Yeaaaah, eyes emoji.
Ally (texting): He’s fun. A good friend. Um, I dunno.
Deena (texting): LOL great. Well, tell him to write something else good, I need something to read when I’m knitting my hemp socks, dancing woman emoji.
Ally (texting): Yeah, sure.
Deena (texting): lol thank youuuu!!! 100 emoji.
[Ally gets up to go to the fridge, where Samuel is texting furiously, his phone buzzing every few seconds.]
Samuel (trying to get it under control): Fine.
[Phone buzz.]
Samuel: Okay.
[Phone buzz.]
Samuel: Mhm, yeah I can do that.
[Phone buzz.]
Samuel: Mhm, yup. Mom?!
Ally: Hey, what’s going on, Sam-u-el, Queen of the Galaxy?
Samuel (phone buzzing between each line): Everyone... from my hometown... has read Cam’s article and now - what is this?! - … they’re all texting me and I can’t - oh yeah, thank you thank you a lot, I’ll make sure to do that - … it’s because they know we’re living together.
Ally: What do they want?
Samuel: Anything! Photos, writing advice, his measurements, if he can publish something they’ve written that they swear will break the Internet, if he’s single, if he’s not single, religious affiliation...? Oh. A sock.
Ally: Here’s an idea! You don’t text them back.
Samuel: But I can’t do that! They know where my old home is and they’ll bother my mom, who is also bothering me! I think she’s the one who gave everyone my number.
Ally: Oh, god.
Samuel: And I don’t even want to think about Cam right now. You know, he lied to me. To my face about publishing that wedding mistake article online. What a real...
[Samuel starts making frustrated noises that build as Ally encourages him.]
Ally: Ooh, let it simmer. Whatever comes to your mind. Just let it out, yeah! Yes! You can do this!
Samuel: A real...just a big old…
Ally: Dig deep!
Samuel: Jabroni!
Ally: Yes!
Samuel: I just do not want to deal with it right now, okay?
Ally: So don’t.
Samuel: Someone has to!
Ally: No, they really don’t.
Samuel: It’s the right thing to do.
Ally: Is it?
Samuel: Ugh!
Ally: Listen listen listen listen, listen! You should just douse your phone in lighter fluid, set it ablaze, and then put it in Cam’s room for being a big doofus. But, instead of that, just send them Cam’s Twitter, @pbandcam1991. It’s public info already so he’ll never know you did it, and then he’ll have to deal with the popularity diggers instead of you.
Samuel: Allyson. That is a great idea.
Ally: I know, I have ‘em all the time. What about to-go lunch containers... but for dogs?
Samuel: Woah. Woah. Woah. Are you in my head?
[Musical stinger. Transition to the AverageBear offices, in one of the conference rooms. Harrison is seething at his laptop, angrily typing. Cam is sitting there, just waiting to be fired. He tries to interject, but Harrison slams his laptop down and takes one hot, angry sigh.]
Cam: That’s not great for the device...
Harrison: I’m going to give you one chance to explain yourself. Let’s see if there is any conceivable reason you would circumvent the entire publishing structure of the third-most-popular site for bored white teenagers with more than 200 dollars of disposable income in their pocket on a consistent basis, according to Forbes.com.
Cam: Well, I-
Harrison: Because right now, it doesn’t seem like there’s a good reason other than someone didn’t invite you to their wedding and you got drunk and decided to hit the big red publish button without letting anyone know.
Cam: That is-
Harrison: And then! And then somehow, those bored white teenagers with more than 200 dollars of disposable income in their pocket on a consistent basis according to Forbes.com thought you were lit and cute and fizzy. Whatever the shit fizzy is. So they shared it, and then their friends reshared it, and their parents having midlife crises reshared it, and the algorithm strapped a goddamn rocket jetpack to its back and now everyone loves your typos and bad grammar and no caps, and then ALL CAPS.
Cam: Listen, I didn’t mean-
Harrison: Didn’t mean! I know… I know you’ve been sniffing around for months, trying to get on the writing team. And all the messages you send me, seeing if there’s an “opportunity to create some content that hasn’t been snatched up.” And you know what, I’ll be honest… C’mere. Little closer. I’ve been keeping you down.
Cam: Wait, what? You’ve been-?
Harrison: Oh yeah. So down. I’ve been keeping you down. That’s right, buddy.
Cam: Why would you-
Harrison: Because. I like it when you’re down. Yeah, passing over you. You didn’t notice before? When I gave everyone new passwords that were Pixar movies and you got “password,” you didn’t get that? When you messaged me asking if I wanted to kick it in the conference room and I responded, “kick what?” Like that wasn’t an obvious message that I hate - despise - everything that pours out of your goddamn meathole?
Cam: Well I thought it was a Wall-el-
Harrison: I told you the first day that I met you that my management style was “micro-management.” No red flags? Well, today’s your lucky day. You blew up everything so hard that you got your wish. You’re on the content team now. Congratulations on the promotion you d-bag.
Cam: Woah... really? Cause that-
Harrison: You’re changing desks in an hour. I made sure you’re in front of the loud air conditioner. Have fun making content in a jet engine. I never, ever, ever, all-caps EVER, want to see your buck-toothed, freckle dusted, Anne-of-Green-Gables face ever again.
Cam: ...thanks?
Harrison: You’re welcome. I spoke highly of you. Now, for the love of all that is holy...Go write something else viral.
Cam: I... will? Also, I don’t look like that.
Harrison: In my head, you have really, really big buck teeth. Like a mutant beaver.
[Harrison makes a beaver noise. Cam makes an uncomfortable noise but is cut off by Harrison.]
Harrison: Nope. I’m leaving. You stay. SIT. I’m gonna go get like, three coffees.
Cam: ...one for me?
Harrison: NO. I will-
[Harrison marches out of the conference room, sliding the door closed behind him. Cam takes a second, fist pumps YES and celebrates to himself, dancing, then walks back to his desk. As he’s walking, he passes Lydia’s desk.]
Cam: Lyds! I have unreal news.
Lydia (faking an emergency): Oh, what’s that, boss? Gotta refill the copier with paper? And the toner? Aw, jeez, big job. Sorry, bud, I gotta go.
Cam : Oh. Alright. Good luck with the toner?
[Cam walks over to his desk and we hear an email chime.]
Cam: Great, it says I have mail.
[Cam clicks over to an email from Gillian.]
Gillian: To: cchabon@averagebear.com. From Gillian@Gillian.me
Subject: EXCUSE ME. Oh hello Mr. Cameron Chabon, big man on Internet campus. So you want to know what my evening was like yesterday? I’m just minding my business, clicking over Autostraddle to see what kind of high-minded sappho-sexual satire is on the docket, and all of a sudden I start getting texts. First, a trickle. Maybe one. Then two. Then it becomes a stream. A river. A deluge of links. And it’s all to this one post from Average Bear dot com where my good friend Cameron works. Oh wow, so weird, good for Cameron. AND THEN I SEE WHAT THE ARTICLE’S ABOUT AND I MUST BE LIVING IN SOME WILD UNTAMED PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE I DIDN’T INVITE MY LONG TIME FRIEND TO MY UPCOMING NUPTU-
[Cam slams his laptop closed.]
Cam: Gonna read that later.
[Musical stinger. Back at the apartment, Samuel is sitting on the couch as Ally is trying to try on stuff in her room. Samuel’s phone is buzzing again.]
Samuel (calling back to Ally): Okay, I received another one. An ex, asking if Cam likes cookies - oh, that’s sweet - and if so, what kind of cookies, okay… And, also after that…They wanted to know what his garbage looks like? And I’m not quite sure why they’re- Oh. Nope, nope that’s not what they meant by “junk”. Gotcha.
Ally (from her room): Yikes. Okay, so what do we do?
Samuel: Copy and paste and replace the names.
[Ally walks into the living room.]
Ally: Aw, he’s learning. Hey, does this jacket make me look cool but also professional?
Samuel (typing on his phone): “Hi... Ari... thank you for your interest in my roommate Cam. I know he’s been pretty famous on the Internet there, and he is quite a fascinating guy. If you have an inquiry or request, just find him online @pbandcam1991. Great to hear from you!”
Ally: I’m going to take your ignoring me as a yes and not talk about this again today.
Samuel: And sent.
Ally (walking back to her room, taking off the jacket): Damn, dude. How many exes you got?
[Samuel chuckles knowingly to himself.]
Samuel: Many. I was the only eligible bachelor in a fifty-mile radius of Whip’s End. And I will admit, I was a little picky.
[Loud banging at the door.]
Ally (from her room): Oh my god! Did you conjure an ex just by talking about them?
Samuel: What? Is one of my exes here?! Oh no! No, it could only be one of two - I thought I hid my location better. Okay, okay. Let’s be reasonable here. Alright, it could only be… No, no. That one is currently at the world lumberjack games and...that means that… Nope, nope, can’t be that one either because they would be using their robot familiar to do the heavy knocking.
Gillian (from behind the door, yelling): LET ME AT THAT CONTENT CREATING ASSHAT!
[Gillian’s phone is buzzing continuously.]
Samuel: Oh, good, it’s neither.
[Ally scurries into the living room.]
Ally (whispering to Samuel): Oh my god, oh my god. It’s Angry Gillian. She want smash. Just stay calm and put the china away. Put the china away!
Samuel: Yep, yep, okay, China...got it.
[Samuel gets up quickly and moves some dishes around. Ally opens the door to reveal a seething Gillian, with Ashley trying desperately to get her to chill.]
Gillian: I WILL RIP HIM APART. I WILL DETACH HIS LIMBS FROM HIS TORSO, THEN REATTACH THEM IN THE LEAST HELPFUL WAY POSSIBLE.
Ashley (soothing): Hey babe, it’s okay. Deep breaths. And he’s not here, he’s working. You sent the email to his work address so he would see it.
Gillian: I AM OBVIOUSLY NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. AND I WOULD HOPE THAT MY LONG-STANDING RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLY WOULD AT LEAST ALLOW ME TO GO CARRIE-UNDERWOOD-BEFORE-HE-CHEATS ALL OVER HIS VALUABLES.
Ally: It doesn’t run that deep. Also, hello, and welcome to our home.
Gillian: THANK YOU. IT LOOKS LOVELY. I THINK YOU’VE MADE SOME GOOD CHANGES. WHERE IS HE?
Ally: At work! Like you should be!
Gillian: I TOOK A MENTAL HEALTH DAY. IT FELT IMPORTANT.
Ashley: And I just ended my tour... I mean, temp job. I’m so free.
Samuel: Huh.
Gillian: AH HULK SMASH.
Ashley (to Gillian): Like I said. Babe, we can ruin him later. Let’s just take a second, think about what we’re doing-
Gillian: HE MADE A MOCKERY OF US. AND OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND OUR WEDDING. ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. AND MY PHONE IS USELESS BECAUSE IT WON’T STOP BUZZING.
[Gillian throws her phone out an open window. It comically hits someone walking down the street below.]
Someone (distant): Ow. Oh hell yeah, free phone! Good day for me.
Gillian: I CONSIDER THAT A CHARITABLE DONATION, YOU FREAK.
Someone (distant): I’ll send you a W-9.
Ally: I don’t know what to tell you, Gillian, and why are you still shouting? He’s not here. Just like you haven’t been for the last few months. One month, you haven’t been here! Two months, you haven’t been here! Behind door number three: You still haven’t been here!
Gillian: I HAVE BEEN PLANNING A WEDDING.
Ally: I know! But you disappeared! You ghosted so hard Zak Bagans explored our apartment.
Gillian: IT IS GOING TO BE A GREAT WEDDING AND TOTALLY WORTH IT. THERE ARE MULTIPLE CARVING STATIONS. MARGARITA BAR. TEN PIES.
Ashley: Oh, and don’t forget, bouquet throw is actually a round of kickball.
Gillian: KICK BALL.
Ally (sarcastic): Oh, this will be a good wedding. That’s absolutely a reason to bail on your friends. Fine, apology accepted.
Samuel: Hate to be a nudge, but if I could just sneak in here-- You know, I am a certified Justice of the Peace. So, I can perform the ceremony as Frank Sinatra if needed.
Ashley: Ooooh. Please, please please please. But like, an angry Frank Sinatra who’s being disrespected in a nightclub.
Samuel (impersonating Frank Sinatra): I’LL DO IT MY WAY!
Ashley: Yes! Yes, hell yeah dude.
Gillian: THAT IS ONE MORE THING OFF THE CHECKLIST AND I APPRECIATE IT. AND I’M GONNA SEND ANOTHER ALL CAPS EMAIL MISTER CAMERON’S WAY.
Ally: Oh my god, just go talk to him in person.
Gillian: I LIKE EMAILS.
Ally: But wouldn’t it be easier to just get it all out in the open and hear what he has to say and why he did what he did? Also, Cam dropped his phone in a beer last night and he probably hasn’t had it replaced.
Gillian: NOT DEALING WITH IT IS MUCH EASIER THAN DEALING WITH IT.
Samuel: I agree with this statement.
Gillian: THANK YOU.
Samuel: You’re welcome!
Ally: Shut up! Listen, I would love for this drama to continue as long as possible. I ran out of Vanderpump episodes and I need me some friend-on-friend combat. But, it would be for the best for all of you, yes all of you, that means you too, Samuel, if you went and talked to him. And Cam? He should have apologized, yeah,-
Gillian: THANK YOU.
Ally: But he’s feeling himself right now and needs to be brought back down a peg. So, why don’t we all just go do that. Let’s go bring him down a peg! So let’s go! To the train!
Gillian: To the train!
Samuel: Okay… to the train.
Ally: Oh my god! As awesome as it is for all of you to take my suggestion at face value... before we go, there’s just one last thing that needs to happen. I don’t know what it is, but it should be happening right about now.
Gillian: WHAT?
Ally: Apologize. Not in caps. Please, my ears. Oh, my ears!
Gillian: Can I go back to all caps right afterwards?
Ally: I’m waiting.
Gillian: Okay. So, I’m sorry I disappeared. I got wrapped up in everything and I forgot that friendships take tending to and attention, like a really awesome plant that sprouts good-time fruits.
Ally: That’s me, I’m the plant.
Gillian: I miss you, and I’m sorry.
Ally: Okay, yeah, we can go now.
Gillian: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE OUT.
Ally: TO THE TRAIN!
[The crew leaves and Gillian slams the door on the way out. Musical stinger as we return to the AverageBear offices. Cam is at his new desk, with the loud air conditioner humming in the background. He’s tapping his pen against all the stuff on his desk. All of this is a monologue in Cam’s head until otherwise indicated.]
Cam: Okay. Time to write. Time to do the thing you always wanted to do, which is write professionally. And get paid for writing. You did it once before! And you weren’t even trying. And now, time to write. Let’s get the idea factory up and running, churning out hot and ready ideas... now! Now! Now. Now? Now!
[A beat, then…]
Cam: So I have no ideas. The idea factory is on strike and my brain works are demanding better wages. I hope the management concedes. Would that make me the management and the workers? Can I be both? How would I cross that picket line if I’m also the line? Hey! Come on, focus, focus, you gotta write something, buddy.
[A beat, then…]
Cam: God, this air conditioner is loud. I should have known. Let’s try headphones.
[Cam puts on headphones that slightly dull the AC unit. But not enough.]
Cam: What does noise-canceling even mean? Is that an idea, a post about headphones? Is that anything? Lemme ask Lydia, she’d know.
Lydia (from Cam’s memory): Cam... what were you thinking?
Cam: Or, maybe not. Why is she being weird about all this? Because I said she had a good face and stuff? She does have a good face. And smile. And she’s really talented. And fun to talk to. And has awesome style. And makes me feel heard when I talk to her, like she’s not just waiting for her turn to talk... wait, wait, wait, do I like Lyds? No! Do I? No? DO I? Yeah..?
[A beat, then…]
Cam: I need to write something! Maybe about that? About crushing on a co-worker? That’s relatable!
Gillian (from Cam’s memory): OH HELLO MR CAMERON CHABON BIG MAN ON INTERNET CAMPUS-
Cam: Never mind, nothing from real life, I will skip that, I will never write about any of my friends ever again. I gotta take a break. This...this is too much.
Harrison (from Cam’s memory): Go write something else viral.
Cam: I’m trying! It’s hard to write eye-catching viral hits. Also, who knew that guy hated me so much? I should’ve known.
[Lydia, Gillian, and Harrison’s lines swirl in Cam’s mind, getting louder and louder and running together, slowly morphing into, “You can’t do it,” over and over again.]
Cam (out loud): SHUT UP I CAN-
[Silence in the office for a few seconds, then…]
Harrison (from across the room): He can’t do it. Man, I hate that guy.
Cam: Wow, I’m feeling sick. Must be the changing of the seasons hitting my immune systems. I gotta go.
[Cam slams his laptop down, throws it in his bag, and runs out of the office. Musical stinger as we arrive at the bar, The Department of Many Vinos or, The DMV.]
Service Person: Welcome to the DMV, the Department of Many Vinos. How can I assist you?
Gillian: We’re looking for a person that was-
Service Person: If this a request for a particular wine, please step to the green line you see painted on the floor below you. If this is a request for a reservation, please step to the golden line painted on the floor below you. If this is a request for a person you are looking for, please step to the fuschia line painted on the floor below you.
[Everyone takes a moment, then scooches two steps to their left.]
Service Person: Thank you. How can I assist you to find a person?
Gillian: We’re looking for a person, but-
Service Person: Please take a number from the dispenser here on the bar. And fill out these forms with a blue or black ink pen. I will return when it is your turn.
Gillian: But there’s no one here!
Service Person: Ma’am, I’m here to follow procedure.
Service Person (over the intercom): Number sixty-nine, your request for rosé has been fulfilled.
Cam (from the far end of the bar): I’m 69. Nice. Hey look, it’s everyone who’s mad at me in one place! How’d you find me?
Ally: Well, we went to your job to talk to you, but they said you were sick and ran out. And your boss told us that you were doing a “great job” but it was in a very sarcastic way.
[Cam sips his wine.]
Cam: Sounds right.
Ally: And then I checked your Twitter and you’ve been quote-tweeting everyone who’s been replying to you with your location turned on.
Cam: It’s just so many, where are they coming from? And they want to know my measurements!
Ally: So, here we are, at a DMV-themed bar, which honestly, why does this even exist?
Ashley: For fun? I mean, most people in the city don’t drive, so...
Gillian: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S FUN, RIPPING YOUR VOCAL CHORDS OUT AND USING THEM AS THE STRINGS FOR THE TIN CANS THAT WILL CLANG BEHIND OUR WEDDING VEHICLE.
Ashley: Down, Cujo. Easy, girl.
Ally: Cam. what are you even doing here?
Cam: Well, I got promoted for my viral article. But it was like an angry promotion? Like they wanted me to fail. So I totally cracked under the pressure and ran out. Then I thought that the last viral hit I had was written while I was drinking, so I came to the closest bar I knew about. But I don’t think it’s working.
Samuel: It is making your mouth very purple.
Cam: I had three reds very quickly. But now, cutting it with a rosé. That’s just responsible.
Gillian: That’s a fascinating story. But I still want to slice off your skin for ruining our wedding.
Ashley: I would like to say that I do not want to slice off your skin and I do not think our wedding is ruined.
Cam: Of course it’s not ruined! It’s just a post. Listen, I did a dumb thing. I was really hurt because I love you two and I thought I didn’t get invited. I convinced myself that you hate me and didn’t ask to confirm because I was afraid.
Gillian: Cam... I want you to be there so badly. We couldn’t believe you’d do that because we’ve been close for so long.
Ashley: As a part of that We, I 1000% agree.
Gillian: We will hang out. And no hacking into Samuel’s stuff this time.
Samuel: Who hacked what?
Gillian: Nothing! Look, I’m putting it in my phone now...
[Gillian takes out her phone and starts typing.]
Gillian: “Go to Cam, Ally, and Samuel Clemens’ apartment for Survivor.” Save.
Cam: Okay, okay, I believe you. I’d really like that. I really am sorry.
Gillian: I’m sorry, too. That email I sent you was pretty bananas.
Cam: I stopped reading after the first paragraph.
Gillian: Yeah, that was totally for the best. There were like five pages, and the whole end of it was Shakespearean insults. And by the way, you are not a paunchy ill-breeding codpiece.
Cam: Oh, nice.
Gillian: Thank you.
Cam: And Samuel.
Samuel: Oh. Hello, Cameron. I didn’t expect to see you here.
Cam: Right. Samuel, I took our relationship for granted. You were right, I shouldn’t have published this thing. I’m so stressed out and I feel like I can’t do this job and I blatantly lied to you. That was terrible, and I’m sorry.
[A beat as Samuel tries to compose himself, but he ends up throwing himself tearily at Cam.]
Samuel: Well… In that case, Cameron... I FORGIVE YOU, OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU, YOU ARE THE GREATEST WRITER OF OUR GENERATION, SPREAD YOUR WINGS! SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND FLY AWAY LIKE THE ROSE BREASTED KOOKABURRA THAT YOU ARE, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN CAMERON.
Cam (strangled, wrapped in a hug): I didn't think it was that good of an apology.
Samuel: IT WAS SO GOOD. You’re the best.
Ally: Oh my god! I want to get in on this hug!
Ashley: Oh, it’s so cute! Me too!
Gillian: Don’t leave me out!
[Everyone gets wrapped up in a big group hug.]
Cam: Alright, who wants some drinks? On me.
[Everyone clamors to get in on that offer.]
Cam: Alright, full round! Let me just fill out this beverage ordering form... in triplicate. Oh wait, Samuel, remembered, non-alcoholic, I just need the Soft Drink Waiver here…
Ally: This bar is terrible.
Cam: So true.
[Musical stinger to later in the evening, still at the DMV. Everyone is chatting with each other, and Samuel sidles up next to Ashley.]
Samuel: Hey! Ashley! You know, we haven’t really gotten a chance to get to know each other, we’re a little at the periphery of the group here. But I think you’re great and I would love to deepen our friendship.
[Ashley puts down her drink.]
Ashley: Straightforward declarations. Here for it. Shoot, cowboy.
Samuel: Well, I thought we’d start with some popular culture news. Like, did you hear that a pop star went rock climbing naked and scraped up her entire back?
Ashley: Oh... no, I did not.
Samuel: Yeah! Yeah, it seems that she was irresponsible during her outdoor activity and had no proper protection or anything. It does seem silly, really. I mean, who would rock climb in the nude like that?
Ashley: No idea.
[Samuel and Ashley laugh awkwardly.]
Samuel: Who was that pop star? I mean it was like-- it was somebody big, right?
Ashley: Oh… um…
Samuel: It was like…Maybe it was like, Katy Perry?
Ashley: Yeah, I think she just had an album out or something…
Samuel: Oh, man, oh… No, no. You’re right, you’re right! Album, album! Oh, who put out an album? Miley! Ah, no. Taylor? Taylor Swift? Was it Taylor? It could have been… hmmm...
Ashley: No, it wasn’t…
Samuel: Hmmm...Who was it then…?
Ashley: ...I have the scars on my back if you want to see them.
Samuel: I knew it! I knew you were Halsey!
Ashley: Shh, quiet! It is a giant secret. Shh.
Samuel (whispering): Ha! I cracked the mystery.
Ashley: Well...Congrats, Hercules Poirot. But you cannot tell anyone. Anyone! And I mean anyone. Cam. Ally. Not even Gillian. Keep it quiet.
Samuel: Intriguing. So...Ashley?
Ashley: Mhm?
[Samuel sips his drink pointedly.]
Samuel: ...what will I get in return?
Ashley: Not again… Okay. What do you want?
Samuel: I want a song named after me - Samuel Clemens open parenthesis Remix close parentheses. It can be about anything, just the name needs to be mine. And my name is also fairly famous, so you have plausible deniability if friends and the music media want to know what it’s about.
Ashley: Ugh! You drive a hard bargain, Clemens.
Samuel: And please use a marimba in the song.
Ashley: Fine. Deal.
[Samuel and Ashley shake hands. Samuel laughs happily to himself.]
Samuel: So….Why did you go rock climbing naked?
Ashley: What? I’d never do that. You know I’m afraid of heights.
Samuel: Right... Right.
[The NEXT STOP outro plays.]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com